Delayed posting stream of consciousness 

This summer I know it’s been a long time to post and it’s been one of those mixed reviews in posting. 

Larry left for camp for 6 weeks to be a regualar kid……He had  an amazing experience kids from 38 states and 32 countries  all learning basics for respect as well as having an absolute blast he did catch a cold that then lead to a sinus infection then lead to bilateral Pneumonia !!!! 

Very scary way to end camp as  well he wasn’t taking his probiotic wasn’t getting enough sleep , water, there’s lots and lots of reasons that I kid doesn’t really take care of themselves … but when you’ve been through waht he has I understand not wanting I to run to the nurse …..however the truth is this is also a scary diagnosis for a kid that has had the journey he has had.

folks helped talk me off the cliff all I wanted to do to get him from Indiana to Arizona then have the proper testing done to confirm it’s just pneumonia , we started anabiotics, he got his oxygen levels up to fly, we got them to UMC banner and yes it was just pneumonia prescription: rest medication and fluids


It’s interesting as we walk through this life we could find things that absolutely shocked and disappointed really don’t encourage us to have and then we can you uncover recognize that show us tremendous joy

That being said in recent days weeks months I find that some days my recognition of fear outweighs my recognition of joy is it our own internal check our own internal feeling our own ego our own Life or is it simply that some days there’s just not that much to celebrate, it’s just not that much and maybe we do need to sometimes recognize the unkindness hatred and attempt to improve on it 

as I thought about this I found that many days with sometimes I am hit with something. I truly choose avoidance and attempt to just find something that’s happy or brings me hope and I wonder if instead I’m supposed to step into that situation a little bit more to create change something to think about today in this bullying political environment

Jeff and I find ourselves in the first response when someone has a friend family member coworker that is dealing with cancer whether it be their parents their spouse their friends their child 

the desperate call to what can I do, what can we do 

it’s interesting how the two of us respond to that question a bit differently and yet very similar 

first responsders need to do something that would help them not have to think about what has just happened 

whether that pick up groceries 

take dinner 

take lunch 

get gas in the car 

walk the dog 

feed the fish 

bring the mail in 

clean out the fridge  

Pull the trash cans on trash day 

the things that seem like those are routine are the things that are so disruptive when you are attending to  the end. 

And it also reminds us and how blessed we are that reminds us of all the people that dropped us off helped us in our journey
Uneventful start of school  

Larry was there locker turn into supplies turned into school work picked him up he had a great day we’re now two weeks in and he’s in seventh grade he’s thriving he’s organized he’s understanding what it means to be a regular seventh grader he’s growing and he is goofy joy! 

We are absolutely celebrating every minute we are absolutely joyful at the regular things that occur. This is his first first day of school 

since 2011 he’s missed for first days of school 

that’s too bad 

he’s also missed three last days of school 

that’s too bad too 

but is he says to me,

‘ Mom, there’s always another day 

we can always say that there’s another first day 

we can always celebrate on another day, whatever day we need to we can make the rules just like mom you say we can celebrate my birthday any day 

just like mom you say we can have Thanksgiving any day as long as were all together 

being thankful mom this is how you do it 

so even though yeah it’s really cool that I get to have the first day of school with everybody else 

I’ve also had a great first days of school because you made me recognize that it doesn’t matter. ‘
We went to Banner/Diamond Children’s on Wednesday , September 27th, for a f/u. Call it superstitious or just plain needing to hold on to the regular …..I needed to wait and hear that we are out of the woods from this summer before I could sit and write again. I heard this ! I also heard…..Jaunary 27, 2017 he will be a survivor ! And April 18, 2017 he will be 2 years post chemo thus he will only come in every 3 months ! Then 6 months and thus by the time he starts high school just once year. Yes, the rear view mirror is getting smaller and the front windshield bigger !!! 

Day 9 of 42

WowI guess I really did need this which was part of Larry’s reasoning to go to Culver Academy for 6 weeks.

I am missing him.

I really miss him.

I have gone through all the phases and am today honoring my feelings of grief.

I recognize that him being away feels differently for me as we lived through the thought that we might loose him.

I am not questioning his fun adventure and ability to be a part of a regular kid camp.

I am simply acknowledging that I miss him.

This is a big transition as he is growing up and his history with the possibility of his loss.

It is in the back of mind and is making me feel very vulnerable.

I am taking today to blog about this to simply let myself be full of my sadness, my grief, and this separation so that I can move on through my day.

What are you pushing down ? What are you not letting yourself feel to its full potential to then allow you to let go ?

I encourage you to embrace your feelings, allow yourself to feel it all, and see what then the day brings forth for you and for me.P1010322


How traveling has changed ! Not just the overall change in traveling with new security; baggage fees, no food, smaller seats, longer wait times, no control, but with me it has changed for me personally.


When I was in  my 20/30s I so enjoyed traveling. I was what they call today a road warrior and I prided myself on this fact with my platinum status, mileage plus, jumping on flights for just a night and truly enjoying seeing the world all while working.

Once I was married and with the kids the travleing became less and less exciting especially with the changes in the industry and security. That being said I still truly love it.

I have not traveled alone in 2016 for an extensive trip until now. It was interesting because the kids did not want me to leave. They went on an on about how 6 days 5 nights is just too many. They had to drive me to the airport.

As we drove there was tension in car with me ‘controlling’ the schedule while I would be away, feeling the pull, feeling some guilt in leaving….I believe it is the same feeling that most seniors have as they begin to let go and move on thus some unkindness is used to make leaving that less hurtful. We pull up the curb…everyone gets out and hugs me individually and as group as if I am leaving for a very long time. No tears but lots of emotion.

As I walked into the airport it was if I was flying for the first time, leaving the first time and yet this overwhelming feeling of love as well was surrounding me.

Making every day count is the matra and today I ripped the band-aid a bit too strongly yet my little family knows I love them, cherish them, and would do anything for them. They also know I have high expectations for them, believe in them, and have very strong faith.

I flew with a new confidence and conviction that this is what I do need to be all that I am for them….without guilt.

Being a regular kid is hard

Larry states

He is not really adjusting to being a regular kid meaning the expectations have been raised, the rules tightened up, and goals lifted.  It is time as it should be that you are treated just like a regular kid.  He was grounded over the holidays for poor performance at school: grades.  This was then compounded by constant questioning of the grounding. The reasoning for the grounding and the fact that was brought up by him countless times that we cannot control the past therefore why does being punished in the future help?  As explained that is a consequence.  That is what a consequence is a choice I made in the past led me to where I am today thus this is the consequence for the past choices.   We will know see what the future will hold.  Tough  life lessons for the regular kid.   

Touching lives one hello at a time 

We found out recently  we lost a treasure in the health care industry.  Tim was our welcome joy on Diamond 6. Larry referred to him warmly. He was always smiling, always welcoming, always calm.  I don’t know what happened but it was unexpected.  

In the last 4 years we spent over 200 nights in Diamond 6.  Tim knew us, we knew Tim.  He could have simply stayed in his role but he went beyond. 

He got to know us, our visitors, our children. He knew our likes, dislikes, and more importantly felt our fear, hoped our hopes, and cried for others.  He served beyond the scope of his role not by physically stepping out but simply by being present every step at every turn in the journey.  

I hope he knew how much he meant to us.  I’m sure he did.  I hope his friends and family know how wonderful he was in his role and making a differ ence in our lives.  

Tim was only in our lives because we were there fighting leukemia.  He is only in everyone’s life that comes to Diamond 6 to check you in, guide you and stamp parking. He is there as your pathway in and out of the children’s hospital. He made it that much easier to enter and very joyful each time we left 

As we would visit our friends in Diamond 6 since then we would see it was great to see them just for a visit not for checking in. 

We are blessed to have known Tim. To understand the difference you can make if you choose  too, just by showing up,showing compassion, all in the daily living of your role.  

Hope for change 

Why is it that we constantly believe that we will get a different result.  Why do we continue to wait for change that will never occur thus we are disappointed, let down, and once again defeated when it was our time to shine. Out moment and once agin stolen by selfishness, inconsideration, and simple lack of interest. When will I learn.  When will I wake up. I think I have but must wait this one out just a bit then I will have my time.  My time will be filled with gratitude, happiness, joy, laughter, celebration, pleasure, and cheers.  It will be filled with mutual respect, unconditional love, no ,ore I’m sorry a and no more excuses.  It will be filled with intentional living.  Just wait and see my time. It will come.  When? 

I didn’t win….

I was simply awestruck as I’m sure many of you were in the energy around the  Powerball lottery 

As I’ve never played, I had no intention of playing, and then the more that the conversation kind of turned to that on a regular basis, statistically how you won’t win a one and 290 million chance, and you have a better chance of having a vending machine fall on you and kill you;  me not even knowing where a vending machine in my vicinity thinking I would save my two dollars and not play.

Then as I listened to someone say  oh the winners are always from some little random town, you know side towns, so as I was passing Toltec,  Arizona on Tuesday night I thought let me just stop and buy a ticket.

Once I bought the ticket and actually had some folks with me, as we all had the same opportunity to become a millionaire overnight it’s pretty amazing when you think about the energy that the lottery has,   in creating a commonality among all of us for a simple two dollars. We all of a sudden all have the same opportunity.

I found myself as I left Toltec  and drove home thinking about what would I do if I won, how would my life change,  how would I want to make a difference with the money and then I started thinking about how I really just hope whomever wins….. my hope is that they don’t become the staggering statistic that 90% of all lottery winners are bankrupt within the first three years, 90% of all lottery winners have some type of major change that happens in their Life that is devastating whether it’s loss of a spouse through divorce whether it’s loss of family due to misunderstanding expectations loss of jobs careers and then are able to get a job back stories really are quite devastating that I don’t know that you’d want to win but just the sheer thought of winning and what you could do with that and how maybe we choose to live our lives today not winning the lottery but intentionally living. 

I know that it’s definitely made me think about how I spend my money, how I give my money, how I save my money, and the legacy that I want to leave so I wonder if the lottery made you think about any of that and think about the equality and what you would’ve possibly done that’s my thought for the day.

The drawing has been done, the winners announced and yet I feel like I have win with a healthy happy, regualar kid in our son Larry.  We have won big !